Kate (star382000) wrote in disabled_teens,
Kate
star382000
disabled_teens

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This may not make sense to anyone else..

Okay so I origionally posted this in my GJ and just, I need to get it out and not hide it, I need to vent and share just for my own sake, there's details scattered in my own LJ but it is very complicated and if you just look judgements will most likely be made so I don't know, I just have to post for help somewhere..



I had fun at Culver's with Jenny last night. Dad took me and it ended up being okay. Brian and Kaitlyn were there. Jenny's a great friend and I am very thankful for her.

Christian called this afternoon while I was getting ready to work on homework after dancing with Mama a little bit, I love her so so much, and I went to Jake's then we went to Kaempfe's because today's his birthday. Canada had wanted to like have a big mob of people but it ended up just being us and Dino aka Zach. It was cool though :-)

I've really scared Jean, I feel awful about it all, she loves me so much, I love her so much. I also feel terrible about what all this must be doing to Mama. I think about that often. I love her so much and Lord I don't know what I'd do without her, she means the world to me.

Earlier today, before dancing with Mama, I finished copying the poems I wrote yesterday in the cool dream journal Mama got me, it has stars on it and is really nice, and then, on the back of the paper, I started to list out people who I am thankful for and who have a warm place in my heart. Mama gave me a box, a happyness box I think was what she called it? She has one that either Lynn or Mrs. Milner, I forget which, suggested she have. In mine I have the cards I got from the holidays and my birthday.

I feel so awful and terrible about these feelings and thoughts I get at times, and that I agree with them, but of course I don't, I don't at all. It's scary. I'm so sorry for hurting everyone. I'm so sorry for triggering painful feelings and events. I'm sorry for giving in and breaking down and not being who I am, not being Me.

I hope everyone can forgive me, and I hope I can forgive myself. I am reminded of a quote from a movie, "the only person who goes to church every day is a man who can't forgive himself" or it goes somewhat like that. I remember before 8th grade trying to see how many days a week I would be at church, it was fun and cool for me. I'm not at church often anymore, but I pray constantly. I feel outcast there now. I know I shouldn't, but I know so much that I shouldn't however I feel and think otherwise. It sucks.

Mama wants to read my LJ and I am so afraid of what it will further inflict for her. I don't think about others, it's awful. I love her so much.

She said that feelings like what expressed in my LJ are not normal, are not healthy, then why the hell do some people treat it like it is and like it's nothing, like it's just something that's a part of someone, like talking fast or being funny. It's become a fad to some extent even it would seem. A virus. A cancer. Stopping Matrix inferences here.

I love her. I love so many people, and I am a happy person. I am very happy. But for the pain and all of that stuff that I cause, that comes from within me. It's awful and terrible and, I just hate it, those parts of me, those parts that are not who I am. It sucks.

I think I'm rambling now so I am going to stop. I am contemplating cross-posting this in my LJ but I don't know. I have already posted something before typing this in there and I want it to be read so I don't know. I just don't know.

Please forgive me if it's not appropriate to post here, like I said I don't really know..I just know that I need to not hide it which is somethign I'm trying to do, and that..yeah..thanks for reading even if it's just the smallest bit that you read, thank you :-)

x-posted
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